“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting