“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
me 2 months after i graduated
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
life finds a way
This guy gets it.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad