@stephenjmolloy

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

- @stephenjmolloy

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[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
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“You’re free,” I whisper.

@WheelTod

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
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@EndhooS

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

@Breadery

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

@DelilahSmashbox

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.