The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I’d rather fork than spoon.