The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”