@c12h22o11balls

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

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@VisionBored1

[ spelling bee ]

judge: Your word is enamoured

me: Could you use it in a sentence

judge: I am enamoured by you

me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?

judge: your word is yes

@jonnysun

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

@urmumsausername

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

@rebrafsim

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

@iLikeCatShirts

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

@hippieswordfish

ME: hah, no way. well, maybe sometimes- or i guess…yes? i don’t know, what was the question again
INTERVIEWER: are you indecisive

@david8hughes

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

@HitsBelowBelt

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.