The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
What
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!