The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Not helping
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/