How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends
Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”
“Juror is dismissed”