@tigersgoroooar

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

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@AnnietheNanny1

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

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@JordanPeele

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

@AnnietheNanny1

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

@thenatewolf

WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

@Sickayduh

“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”

“Juror is dismissed”