The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.