You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
You Might Also Like
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg