@SexyInsomniac

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

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@BobTheSuit

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

@SuperJuanderer

I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry

@SuperRandomish

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

@Darlainky

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

@stevemarriott

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

@slimmy_shady

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

@InternetHippo

*turns on the news*

I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–

tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY

@Jade_VK

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

@allforandrea

It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

@Underchilde

Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.