Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
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I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
*turns on the news*
I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–
tv: AN ALLIGATOR ATE A BABY
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.