The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

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Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.


I’m sorry, I’m just in a really weird place right now I say from a lazy Susan inside a friend’s pantry


We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.


*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!


[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?


911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.


*turns on the news*

I wonder if things are getting better in the wor–



“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”


It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.


Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.