The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese