the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook