the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
a god among men
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee