The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
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dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.