@MooseAllain

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

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@iwearaonesie

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

@brittwastaken

I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

@abbycohenwl

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

@TheAndrewNadeau

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

@FunnyBison

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

@ygselena

I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted

@d_duhwit

Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
Dealer: No.

@squirrel74wkgn

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

@internetluke

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni