MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
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I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted
Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni