I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
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[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Warm pools make me nervous.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*