The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
my dog when i have a friend over
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.