The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.