The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

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If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.


If they took all the money spent on making Godzilla movies, they could’ve probably just made an actual Godzilla by now.


[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?


ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”


People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.

Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.


Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.



Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything


BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
ATH: Shit


My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.


My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.