@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

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@squirrel74wkgn

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

@TuffyNyC

If they took all the money spent on making Godzilla movies, they could’ve probably just made an actual Godzilla by now.

@daemonic3

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

@geekysteven

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

@jsteele3966

People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.

Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.

@64spoons

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

@GoddessTitty

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
ATH: Shit

@panmidwest

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

@WilliamAder

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.