The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you