The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
relationship goals
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
wish me luck lads
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.