The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
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My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.