@iGreenMonk

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.

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@UncleBob56

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

@Fredzipfel

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

@Adar79Angie

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

@JessPish

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

@JJSummertime

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

@ThugRaccoons

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

@warmyellowlight

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

@NintenDom

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.