The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.

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Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.


Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color


The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.


8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”


Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?


Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then


If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.


My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.