@JosesLovesYou

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

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@87bidi

[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me

@david8hughes

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

@JimmerThatisAll

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

@Scorpio1080

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².

@shita3yosays

Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?

@LindaInDisguise

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

@byrdie_num_num

Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.