The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*