[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
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[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.
Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².
Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Instead of “Juicy” I have “May contain gas” written on the back of my shorts.