The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
<- sleeps well with others
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720