Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
You Might Also Like
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
You better watch out