The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.