The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]