Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.
You Might Also Like
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…