@StumpWoodley

The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.

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@Cheeseboy22

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

@AsgardianRose

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

@Carbosly

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

@Darlainky

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

@Hobo_Splendido

[laundromat]

lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner

@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

@ibid78

Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.

@LostFelicia

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

@somecleverthing

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

@lenadunham

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing