@StumpWoodley

The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.

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@WheelTod

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

@VerbsRProudest

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

@climaxximus

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

@ItsSamG

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

@Sarcasticsapien

Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.

@Donna_McCoy

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

@freakyenough

X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…