May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Duck typos.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice