The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

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“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.


Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*


[Conference Call]
“After the tone please say your name”
Me: *nervous* Your name


When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere!”


Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over


Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]


Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena


Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.


Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?

Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool