The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
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Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP