*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
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Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
*Ouija board begins spelling*
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”
Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.