The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
You Might Also Like
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Follow me for more fitness tips.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Autocarrot sucks!
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up