The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.