The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Van Gone
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
The struggle is real.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭