ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
Me, when the whole table decides to get a nacho platter to share
The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.
When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.
Me: God give me inner peace.
Me: Um, this is bubble wrap.
God: What you do with it is upto you.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired