@JimViscardi

The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.

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@Chumpstring

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

@mejustbeth

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

@NicestHippo

[girlfriend yelling]
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
GILGAMESH!

@EvilSchwartzie

The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.

@GayAtHomeDad

When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.

@dadthatwrites

Me: God give me inner peace.

God: Here.

Me: Um, this is bubble wrap.

God: What you do with it is upto you.

@dave_cactus

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

@Scdavis24

I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.

@OllyiConic

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired