If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”