Date: so you were married twice before?
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own
Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.