@tinynietzsche

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

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@BoogTweets

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

@SergioValenCo

Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.

@Lisabug74

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

@OMGSoOverIt

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

@DamienFahey

Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?

@flashember

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

@ka_unplugged

There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own

@LittleMissAngr1

Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.