The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
When you’ve simply given up.