The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

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When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I’m some sort of bear scientist.


*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS


“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.


I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson



*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn


My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.


“Ok welcome to ask stupid questions club. Any questions?”
Is this ask stupid questions club?
“You’re now the leader of this club”
What club?