The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
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I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.