@TheBoydP

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

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@WeissBrandon

When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I’m some sort of bear scientist.

@DurtMcHurtt

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

@AnOrangeSNES

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

@bridger_w

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

@Poutymcgee

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!

*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn

@Sal0630

My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.

@SatansTongue

“Ok welcome to ask stupid questions club. Any questions?”
Is this ask stupid questions club?
“You’re now the leader of this club”
What club?