@FlyoverJoel

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

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@Darlainky

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

@BamDebikins

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

@anerdonfire2

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

@BigJDubz

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

@Izzybcrazy

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad