The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
my proudest tweet
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.