The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
You Might Also Like
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
there’s probably a fee though