The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
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Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
i choose….tongue
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus