I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso