“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I wanna be friends with this person
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
me adding lol on a serious message