“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

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Some of you have had some fabulous public meltdowns this year.

From all of us, thank you x


Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.


This is nice.
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.


Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.


‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string


Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.


Real Road Signs
(What they mean)

“Rough road”
(Road sucks)

“Construction zone”
(Unattended orange cone zone)

“Lanes shift”
(Confusing af)


Just slammed my foot on the pedal trying to impress a girl. Turns out she’d seen a bin opened like that before.


You know what I’d like for Christmas, mom? I’d like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I’d like some money and some new socks.


I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.