*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*

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If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.


my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat


[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you


Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”


The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.


|T|h|i|n|k| |I| |f|o|u|n|d| |s|o|m|e|t|h|i|n|g| |m|o|r|e| |a|n|n|o|y|i|n|g| |t|h|a|n| |h|a|s|h|t|a|g|s|


[Mexican Restaurant]

Waiter: a little salsa for your chips, folks?

Patron: I dunno… *looks at chips* you guys want him to dance for you?


Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.


I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”


Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…