The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!