The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Breakfast for Stoners:
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine