@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

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@JaneBadall

So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

@keelyflaherty

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

@GrantTanaka

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

@KevinFarzad

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

@realHamOnWry

After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.

@baronvonbike

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

@divyne_mess

Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.