@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

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@Contwixt

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

@BuckyIsotope

MAMA
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
Just-
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor

@LoveNLunchmeat

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype

Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?

Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very

@chuuew

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

@TySmithdrums

I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it

@portmanteauface

Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

@fro_vo

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

@AnniemuMary

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

@KenJennings

Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.