So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.