I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype
Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?
Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it
Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.