@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

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@Matt_the_1st

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

@CatFoodBreath

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

@brunopieroni

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

@squirrel74wkgn

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

@2questionable

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

@RocketRankoon

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

@Contwixt

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

@SondraDeeMe

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

@TheMichaelRock

Today my boss will learn that I am nowhere near mature enough to be left alone with a label maker.

@TheTimmyToes

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday