The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
huge if true: the moon
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
my nickname in college
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.