The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
You Might Also Like
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision