Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
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Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Bread puns are on the rise!
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef