*jumps from plane*
*grabs onto flying squirrel*
*lives to tell the tale*
The four stages of a day off:
1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I’ll do some stuff
4. Oh no.
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Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing
mom: wanna see me do a flip?
wow: too late
“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
C: your name is “local resident”?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]
Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?
Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope