@littlemzbadass

The four stages of a day off:

1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I’ll do some stuff
4. Oh no.

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@DumbConfessions

*jumps from plane*

*forgets parachute*

*grabs onto flying squirrel*

*lives to tell the tale*

@Playing_Dad

Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*

@jeannerbeaner

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

@matt_simpson84

My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing

@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”

@chrisscamurra

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

@NewDadNotes

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

@OctopusCavemann

[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]

Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?

Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope