“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”