The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
🤣🤣
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”