The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.