The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year