The French cow says MEUX…
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“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Every photo I’m tagged in
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Never ghost your hitman.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.