“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.